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Almost 40!:

Was this the life that i was destined for? Saturday night, the t.v. blasting out a concert to save the earth, a 12 year old daughter moaning sitting beside me and here i am, feeling every inch of all my 37 years! Ah there was the extra added bonus of the rather large bottle of wine which was the only thing in the room i wasn't feeling frustrated with. The thought of going out seemed fabulous but no chance of that ,seeing nothing and i mean nothing at all fitted in the clothing department, hmmm and all because the lady loves milk tray? well, yes and all because the lady stopped smoking 8 months ago and now resembled a heffer!

Only 2 interruptions in the last 5 mins. wow! not bad. the looks are usually quite good followed by, "mum," " what are you doing"? bet she wished she hadnt asked after i snapped her head off replying " Its none of your business and "cant i have a little "me "time to write a personal and private story? "fine" was the reply. oh god it was always" fine" or "whatever! " why didnt they come with a manual? pesky kids! time for a refill. peace again, in out in out that door is constantly slammed one minute there are friends the next there are none and only moans and tears, i am expected to have all the answers and right now, i dont. so sitting in front of this computer screen typing away makes me feel i have some sort of purpose as i express my innermost feelings.

Och,damn it. from paris to brazil has just blasted out those speakers after my quiet chillin louis armstrong wee ditty. I'm uptight again. Was this it? my life? now i see why wine is so popular. It really takes away the edge. i so need to change this song.arghhhh the mouse won't obey. even though i have knelt on the computer table scared stiff that it may snap at any given moment,and plugged in the "other" one which was bad but just not quite as bad as the other one! oh i give up. iv taken cotton buds to it. tried removing any dust with tweezers and still it torments me by not moving until I act like a mad woman possessed and shake it growling at the same time.

David gray now "The OneI Love" hmm, refill. I wonder what other people are doing right now in their cosy homes. getting ready to go out if they have any sense or cosied up with their loved one, being fed strawberries and well erm wine cos champagne gives me a terrible headache. well i can dream i suppose. Bridget Jones springs to mind yet im not single, Sarah Jessica Parker aswell with her wee column, yeah the wine is having a definate warming effect maybe this is theraputic expressing oneself! who knows.

Eva Cassidy is serenading me now. she manages to humble me, makes me think of things i should appreciate and shows me the right way to do things. the wee treasure. even my nearest and dearest dont do that.I must make a rather quick visit to the loo as I'm sooo at that stage.! well that took longer than expected to return! after looking in on mister man who has sore feet, I of course offered to fill the foot spa and lay it out.

My back really does feel snapped now but another few sips and i will be fine especially seeing as keane are on now. aww those boys make me want to tackle everything head on. i love their music. shame it was the end of the song tho. Whitney now. One Moment In Time. Volume raised slightly as I contemplate joining her in a mo.

Why is it, that after a few glasses of wine, we become divas? how funny. i can sing a little but im no whitney! just ask the neighbours. thats the door slamming.I'm dreading another war of words especially now madam has spotted the footspa and will be demanding a shot! I will deal accordingly. here goes..... "what are you doing in my room"? reply... "im bored.".. "please can i just have something for supper"?.she asks... thats because I've introduced a healthy eating program and theres panic rising from minute to minute. "off you go and see your new hamster then get settled in your bed." dreamstreet? oh good god why are dreamstreet on my music playlist? i think the question inwardly as the singing voice is ringing out round the room and she is not such a bad singer! maybe takes after her mum!.

It was at one point my dream to go out and be a singer but the fact i was so shy and not good enough by any means kinda counted against me. even though i could do a mean "Crazy" by Patsy Cline in the karaoke's and at the "family's" request. what am i saying? i can still do a mean patsy! hmm especially now when iv had a few glasses of wine. oh thats humoured me. must be the wine. Snow Patrol have now graced me with their presence, Chasing Cars, another sentimental memory capturing song. sure my memory of it is getting smashed.....cant erm remember. so long ago.

Just wondered why i agreed to a hamster when i have two cats. hmm is the word i use most often..everything is hmm. my cats are my life i love them to bits they are furry babies who kinda need me and i kinda need them. oh hungry eyes now, not mine but the song. takes me back. not to being the person that was thrown sexily around, but the one who watched it and dreamed about being thrown sexily about! if only. just once to be listening to someone speaking up for "baby" and corners im a baby of five so i think it shouldve happened to me. i smile as i think of someone saying to a family member of mine " baby doesnt belong in the corner" they'd be told to get stuffed and mind their own! how funny.

Refill. panic is setting in. down to the last quarter of the bottle. oh my god. what is this song? some fast upbeat bairns tune .not mine i can tell you. wait til i change this rabble. oh of all the coincidences in the world. next song is "crazy" god thats cheered me up but i have to rewind it now as i have to sing along! well its a ritual. bare with me. popped to the livingroom after hearing the immortal words "mum" yes i guessed it! sitting with her feet in the footspa, she got in there. bellowing to me asking for grub. i had to fight with my words to say yes to toast but no to the fact i wasnt making it. what a palava. right patsy where are u? i need you i seem to be listening to "every time we touch" full belt. dunno if thats its name or not. awww wait its finished. now here is a song i truly recommend. its called tears for affairs by camera obscura. its so magical. i always hoped that it would reach number one in the charts after i heard it once on the radio in my friends car i only caught the tail end and i went out my way... in fact i drove myself mad with my O.C.D. of not letting go and searched everywhere till i found the name of song and the artist then it was all mine and oh my god or in computer lanuage.. omg... it was amazing and iv loved it ever since.

Im having a wee sway now as it nears the end. its so good. followed by neil diamond.. hello again. pure class. this screen is so bright and the room is so dark its rather nice. saves me being in the local club feeling paranoid about my weight. at least here. i can be "me" honesty is the best policy. usually at this stage i crave a fag, but oddly enough tonight, i don't, how bizarre. i havent shaved my legs or washed my hair. why those particular revelations? who knows! must be the wine. awww keane again. i must remember to go back to patsy. im singing now. only cos i know i get the title "singstar" when i do this song...on the game singstar. somewhere only we know. and that to me is a major achievement. time to say goodnight to bratpants.

Typical no wine left! panic over, just checked the cupboard which houses mister man's beer and low and behold... 2 cans which i reckon even he doesnt know are there. i will plead my desperation case in a mo. thats the baby all tucked up cosy, happy and laughing, albeit at me of all things but hey ho better to laugh than anything else. nobody warns you what it will be like when ur a "mum" god you are just a being that is expected to do everything and have no feelings at all. superb. think i want 2. awwwww and here is another favourite that needs a volume increase. louis armstrong... somewhere over the rainbow. heard it once on a movie starring robert oh god what was his name. blonde hair. handsome guy, arghhhh old age and memory's. not de niro, redford. thats it robert redford. he wasnt all there in the movie and thats where i heard the tune. see? gripping stuff. not! lol in p.c. terms thats laugh out loud.

Imiss not being in my favourite chatroom. the Scotland room. i met loads of good people and a few well. different ones! i built up quite a profile of the ones i used to talk to and it was nice to join them after a "wee dram" as they were fab and would blether away. kinky was one lady who was so friendly. not many of them would leave an imprint. in the beginning there were are a few which were met in the "new members lobby" awww the good old days. the days of dj and jen and kswiss awww i held those ones closer than the rest. you do that tho eh? you build an infinity with people and share time and its so good. awww i keep in touch with jen and dj but sadly lost touch with swiss. maybe one day we will chat again, who knows. i did promise him a cooked sunday dinner, which i had every intention of cooking, as i can do a mean sunday roast dinner and feel quite proud of my "gordon ramsay" type skills. lol well, something like that anyway!

god this is theraputic, if i can make at least one person feel they know where im coming from then all this will be worthwhile, i feel i can say so much, gifted with the huge gab like you wouldnt believe! thats the last of the wine poured into the glass now, god im thinking of slapping on loose trousers and going out. and dancing the night away. please god dont let me! i will look like shit and wake up regretting it big time.

I need to sing patsy, but dolly is on " here u go again" awww so good. i will have a wee sway. oh the love actually soundtrack now! hmmm my hair is minging and badly needs washed. eva cassidy is singing songbird. i feel guilty for typing when she sings. she is a legend. thats why im typing at the interval. and smiling big time as i drink. oh grr from paris to berlin. that woke me up.poor neighbours. its all cool its now stephanie mills i never knew love like this before! superb. crazy now... and singing... brb